“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.