*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.