I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.