flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain