#Caturday
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion