One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you