What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
What my back needs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.