Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.