Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.