[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
You Might Also Like
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.