A choir of Spring onions
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[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
marvel comics have peaked
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My Guy
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.