Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”