ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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the best thing i’ve ever made
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
The answer is funnier than the question
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Real House Wines.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
uncle dave has been through hell
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.