For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You Might Also Like
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Lube but for my dry humor.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“What movie?” 🤔
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO