I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Important
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute