[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]