The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.