My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
another case of gang violins
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth