me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*jingles half the way*
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party