[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.