Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective