TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.