Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot