Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Check out the legs on this baby
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Expect the unexporcupine.