He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
As the Lord intended
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away