Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
This January has 47 Mondays
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My god she’s good.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?