My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I have a black belt in leather
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.