“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I think we should hear other voices.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.