Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky