I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now