“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am