me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way