So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
You Might Also Like
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*