I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Weirdos gonna weird.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH