Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Body by sandwich.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.