My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.