FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Day 2 of my diet
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
i prefer mine room temperature.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors