WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You Might Also Like
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy