Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.