“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you