Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I love it all
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC