I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.