[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
S O O N
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead