[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
You Might Also Like
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*watches the world burn*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.