If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!