Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You Might Also Like
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Check out the legs on this baby
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.