Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”