Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*weighs self after shaving
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Hank is one in a melon.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man