🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Mornin
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that