No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*